Friday, 29 August 2014

The Killing of Olga Klimt - R. T. Raichev

'If I can't have her, no one else will.'

Olga Klimt is one of those fit as fuck women who has a constant stream of dribbling men following her round and tugging desperately at their penises. She's one of them though who's a bit of a cunt with it, though. A bit like my mum in some ways, apart from my mum is proper ropey now cos THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH PEOPLE'S HEARTS. YOU TWATS.

So these two detectives kind of stumble on the case, as you do. In being a beautiful cock tease there are a lot of people who want to stab Olga a bit, and there are also some unfortunate women who suffer a disastrous case of mistaken identity. Ooops.

This story reads like a good old fashioned whodunnit but it's all modern. They've got mobile phones and stuff. Not sure how I felt about that cos I thought it was going to be all Victorian and eerie but it's a bit cleverer and also a bit darker. Which I suppose is a good thing. But I do love the Victorians and their mysteries. Sigh. The cover is a bit misleading, I think.

Recommended if you like stories where men seethe with rage, and where a duo of detectives do the detecting.

Monday, 25 August 2014

Messenger of Fear - Michael Grant


'My eyes opened.
I was on my back.
A mist pressed close, all around me, so close that it was more like a blanket than a fog. The mist was the color of yellowed teeth and it moved without a breath of a breeze, as if it had a will.'

This book frightened me a little bit because it showed up in a cardboard box with a letter from some tough guy and a pack of cards and I thought I'd somehow drunkenly agreed to some gambling and then worried what I'd put up for grabs. My boyfriend? My books? MY SOUL?

Anyway it was just a bit of marketing but I am very easily frightened. A little story for you, there.

So this girl Mara is kind of swept up by this creepy man who tells her to call him The Messenger of Fear. Instead of literally shitting her pants like I would have done, Mara follows him around and tries to learn whatever the fuck it is that he is so keen on showing her. The Messenger of Fear has a very specific purpose - he's there to find people who have done bad things and give them the choice whether to play a game, win and be free, or lose and face their worst fear.

And this mad cunt Messenger can see in to your mind. So it's not like you can be all like 'oh yeah my worst fear is getting spitroasted by Niccolo Ammaniti and that lad off Man vs Food cos he will KNOW that you're a liar as well as a cunt. Terrifying.

It's a book about right and wrong and learning a lesson, but it's really fucking dark and juicy with it. It's a YA and it's EXACTLY the kind of shit that kids should be reading to scare them shitless about ever being awful little cunts.

Recommended if you fancy a sinister read that reminded me in parts of A Christmas Carol (being dashed about all over the place and being asked to observe and give a judgement) and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (having to play games with a scary motherfucker. Apart from this scary motherfucker is way more fucking frightening than Death cos death turns out to be a bit of a pussy, doesn't he.)

Enjoy.

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Any Other Mouth - Anneliese Mackintosh


'When I was eight, I wrote messages to my future self. I stuffed them up the chimney breast, tucked them behind skirting boards, squeezed them between bricks in the cellar wall. I became a genius at finding the places no-one looked.'

This book focuses mainly around one girl, and the most mad and fucked up stuff she has encountered in life so far. SO FAR.

It is a collection of semi-autobiographical stories. But if you didn't know that then it wouldn't matter, and like me you'd get halfway through the book without realising, because they are written in such a way and in such a strong and sure voice that it could easily be just one story in a bit of a funny order and with some gaps in time.

I don't know how you'll feel about the stories. I fucking loved them, though. There is an amazing mixture of feelings that I went through while reading: I felt sick, I felt really fucking horny, I felt empty and thirsty and happy and curious. And it also made me laugh out loud in places like a fucking maniac. I felt like I wanted to gobble up everything about this girl. It is fucking amazing.

And even if you don't like the stories or they make you feel uncomfortable or sad or you can't cope or whatever then you will still be knocked sideways by the writing. It is frank, brave, bold and very, very beautiful.

I think that these will stir up a little something in everyone. It is a fucking, fucking good read.

Read it if you're a bit of a voyeur and you fancy a tale of misadventure and self discovery that will knock your fucking socks off.

Highly recommended.

Carnal Acts - Sam Alexander


'Somehow Gaz had managed to sleep, on his side with knees drawn up and arms folded over his chest.'

DI Joni Pax, who has never been able to really be 'black' apparently cos she likes classical music and not reggae (I don't even know) is pulled out of London and transferred to the North (oh my fucking God get someone in from LONDON) and investigates a murder at a brothel ran by the Albanian Mafia (those cheeky Albanians, eh). Obviously because we're reading a standalone bit of crime fiction we get a result at the end. Well done, everyone.

So. This book started off well. Standar procedure for dragging a reader in: little bit of filth, little bit of background, and build on it. You've got a detective who is struggling to 'find herself' and a prostitute seeking revenge and the seedy corruption of a mafia. Not bad at all. It is a good bit of crime and you will keep reading to find out what is going on and what the outcome is.

HOWEVER. Although I enjoyed the book I did have one pretty major niggle: I found a lot of the language (from most of the women featured, young people and mob members) really fucking unconvincing, and borderline embarrassing. It just seemed a bit forced and kind of knocked the flow of the story a bit. Either stick to what you know, learn it, or fuck it off.

So yeah. a good bit of fast moving crime fiction where if you can read past the forced language at times without getting shunted off track you'll be grand.

Recommended if you like prostitutes, the mafia, and half white half black hippy female detectives trying to sort their heads out.

Vintage London - Gavin Whitelaw


' ...this book shows what the London of the past looked like - and in colour.'

In his introduction, our man Gavin explains to us that actually, because people are so used to seeing shadowy black and white photographs of London they forget that colour film was about much earlier than we think, and so here is a collection of COLOUR pictures of London.

The collection is made up of stuff snapped between 1910 and 1960: main streets, dockyards, landmarks and even one of my favourite pubs. All looking as you know them but with history splatted all over them - the old red buses, posh back-in-the-day banker get up and those cars that look like toys. A fucking delight.

I fucking love opening up my post and there being a book like this in there. It is a real treat every single time, and if you ask me, you can never look at enough pictures of a city so full of rich history as London.

Recommended if you're a London geek, a photography geek, or a buildings and architecture geek. Or if you just want to learn by looking at some fucking great pics.

The Murder of Patience Brooke - J.C. Briggs


'The singer's voice was a high, horrible, falsetto: mocking and caressing at the same time.'

We're in Victorian England and there's been a murder. As you may be able to tell from the title of the book, it's Patience Brooke who's been murdered. Seen around the time is some ropey cunt singing some creepy song. The police are a little bit Chief Wiggum, and so they bring in a detective to help.

You'll never guess who.

It's only Charles bloody Dickens.

Yeah. So your detective is the big CD. He's still a writer, but he's doing this on the side. Throughout the story bits of his life are referenced for your enjoyment, and he also bleats on a bit about what he's writing at that time. Very nice. Kind of like a detective story with a friendly hug of recognition in it. A detective story with a twist.

It's a nice read. An old fashioned whodunnit.

Recommended if you've ever thought 'you know what would make this story better? If the detective were Charles Dickens'. Fucking bingo, mate.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Calendar of Crime - Peter Stubley


'The Calendar of Crime covers nearly 1,000 years of British criminal history, from the assassination of King Edward the Martyr in 978 to the obscenity case over Lady Chatterley's Lover in 1960.'

This book does what it says on the tin. It contains 365 true cases of crime from British history - one for each day of the year - and lists them here by date for your reading pleasure.

A page per entry, it's a real mix of crimes through the ages, including prisoner escapes, murders, robbery and treason. You know. All the good juicy shit that make British history so fucking great.

As it's in delicious bite sized chunks, I'd suggested putting it in the loo and dipping in and out of it during your poos. I'm a very quick pooer and even I can fit one of the stories in during my morning poo-trip to the toilet.

Recommended if you'd like an easy and quick read collection of Britain's criminals past and present.